The Plant Man Cometh
by BarettaVendetta
Summary: Kyabetsu Hyuuga-Uchiha has a chance encounter with a handsome - and leafy - stranger. Zetsu x OC.


**The Plant Man Cometh**

It was just another ordinary day in Konoha. Naruto Uzumaki, the hyperactive knucklehead ninja with the Kyuubi in his body, was eating ramen. Shikamaru Nara, the genius chunin with a head like a pineapple, was playing shogi with his sensei, Asuma, while his fat teammate, Choji Akimichi, watched and shoved crisps down his throat. The Hyuuga girls were training with their cousin Neji. Kiba Inuzuka was walking his dog. Shino Aburame was on a mission with his father. The Yamanaka family were selling flowers; Rock Lee was sparring with Tenten, while Gai shouted words of encouragement; the Fifth Hokage was hungover; Kakashi Hatake was reading porn in the bath while his boyfriend, Iruka, cleaned the house; and Jiraiya was trying to think of an amusing name for his novel.

Under a tree in a quiet spot near the border sat Kyabetsu Hyuuga-Uchiha. The sixteen year old daughter of two members of Konoha's most powerful ninja clans, she possessed the Byakugan in one eye and the Sharingan in another, and had graduated the ninja academy at the age of five, becoming a chunin at six, and a jonin at twelve. She wore a pair of black hipster trousers with slits up each leg; a mesh top with a black lacy bra underneath; a chain belt made up of small silver stars; three earrings in each ear; and a pair of purple Converse with candy-striped pink and white laces. Her waist-length hair was as smooth as a polished stone, as black as the raven's wing, and as straight as the handle of a well-crafted spear. Her eyes were two almond-shaped, sparkling orbs; one the pale lavender of the Hyuuga clan, the other the crimson of the Uchihas. Her nose was perfectly formed, her mouth a Cupid's bow, her teeth like shining pearls, her eyebrows arched and shaped in a way that only heavy tweezering could achieve. Rock Lee in drag, she was not. She was a beauty. No wonder that pink-haired whore Sakura Haruno hated her. And no wonder most of the girls at the ninja academy were jealous. Even Kurenai Yuuhi, the alluring sensei of Team 8, was jealous. The Fifth wasn't, of course, being Hokage and everything, but then she did have breasts that were at least two cup sizes bigger than Kyabetsu's.

Feeling restless, she wandered through the village, till she reached the gate. The two ANBU members on watch failed to notice as she left the village and wandered gaily into the Forest of Death, hoping to commune with a squirrel or two, maybe pick some flowers to bring to Sasuke-kun. And then maybe he would take her out for ramen – hopefully his mad team mate would not be there to annoy them - and then they would go back to the Uchiha house, and listen to Evanescence, and make sweet love on the tatami mat...

Lost in daydreams, Kyabetsu meandered further and further away from the village, until she was deep in the Forest of Death. It slowly dawned on her that the sky had become darker, the ground laden with twigs, and she seemed to have wandered off the path commonly taken by Konoha ninja. For all she knew, Orochimaru could be hiding in the bushes somewhere, wearing the face of one of his recent murder victims. Never mind, she thought. Konoha's top jonin could handle anything that crossed her path, even a paedophilic Sannin with a ridiculously long tongue.

Suddenly, she heard a rumbling nearby. It was coming from the ground, in a small clearing a few metres away, and surely enough, the earth was gently shaking. Something appeared to be burrowing its way up through the soil and out into the dark light of the forest. Kyabetsu would have taken it for a mole, but moles did not make that much noise. And nor, as the ground opened up, did they have faces that were black on one side and white on the other, green hair with the appearance and texture of grass, and a Venus flytrap encasing their heads. And they certainly did not wear black capes with red clouds on them.

For that was what had emerged from the ground. Was it a plant or was it a man? Did it, indeed, have a gender? And what was with the cape? Kyabetsu crouched down behind a bush, kunai at the ready. But it was too late. The plant thing had spotted her, and was coming her way. The two sides of its face appeared to be in disagreement with one another.

"Zetsu-kun!" squeaked a voice, and another figure, also clad in a black cape with red clouds on it, bounded into view. This figure appeared to be human, but his face was obscured by an orange mask with a spiral on it. The plant thing turned to greet the figure, waving a black hand in Kyabetsu's direction. Despite being the top jonin in Konoha, and a Hyuuga and an Uchiha to boot, Kyabetsu became paralysed with fear. The smaller figure was clearly insane, and the plant thing, whose name appeared to be Zetsu, was beginning to frighten her.

Twigs crackled in the undergrowth. Before she had a chance to turn around, a hand gripped her shoulder and dragged her out of the bush. Kyabetsu's sense of balance failed her, and as the hand let go of her, she crashed to the floor. Looking up, she saw Zetsu the plant thing and his – it was clearly a he – sidekick.

"So!" barked the sidekick, placing a foot on Kyabetsu's left shoulder. "What have we here? A stray from Konoha, oh yes, I can tell by your forehead protector. And you've got one white eye and one red eye, so you're some kind of Hyuuga-Uchiha mongrel, am I right? Should have stayed in the village, silly girl. Get her, Zetsu!"

Kyabetsu's multicolour orbs flashed. "How dare you call me a mongrel, you rude beast! Don't you know who I am? I'm the best jonin in Konoha, I'll have you know!" Rapidly, she made the hand seals for the _Chidori _that her beloved Sasuke had taught her. A crackling white ball of electricity appeared in her hands as she focused her chakra.

"_Chidori_!"

The ball of lightning flew from Kyabetsu's hands, and grazed the face of the sidekick as he hurled himself out of the way. Zetsu surveyed the scene casually. Kyabetsu found herself strangely drawn in by his magnetic amber orbs, his grassy locks, the thin silvery trail of drool that was beginning to emerge from the black side of his mouth.

"Cool it, Tobi," Zetsu said to the man in the orange mask. "You. What's your name?"

"K-K-K-Kyabetsu H-H-H-Hyuuga-U-Uchiha," stammered Kyabetsu, in a manner reminiscent of her weedy little cousin Hinata. Even though they were both members of the main branch of the Hyuuga clan, Kyabetsu had always disliked the girl. She was as wet as Akamaru after a good roll in a puddle.

"Tell me," said Zetsu, stroking his chin, "about yourself."

"Zetsu!" cried Tobi. "Have you gone crazy?"

"Quiet, you," growled the plant man. "Ignore him, Kyabetsu-chan. Tell me about yourself."

And Kyabetsu found herself opening up to Zetsu. She told him everything: how she had been born into both the Uchiha clan and the main branch of the Hyuuga clan, and inherited the Byakugan from her father and the Sharingan from her mother. How she had mastered Tsukiyomi when she was only five years old, and how nobody in the village save her boyfriend's mad brother, Itachi, could do that. How her father had been killed during a mission to Amegakure, and how her mother had been murdered by Itachi. She had survived the massacre herself as she was staying at the main Hyuuga compound. How she had lived alone ever since the deaths of her parents, surviving off the money she had made as a ninja, and how she had trained 22 hours a day in order to hone her abilities. How everyone in the ninja academy had praised her beauty, yet been too afraid or jealous to make friends with her, save Sasuke Uchiha and Ino Yamanaka. How that pink-haired slag Sakura Haruno had stolen her dinner money, and then tried to drown her by shoving her head in a toilet and flushing it.

Zetsu listened intently. Tobi grumbled to himself, but said nothing.

"My dear Kyabetsu-chan," said Zetsu, licking his lips, "I'd like to have you for dinner."

Kyabetsu was shocked, yet enthralled by the handsome plant man's bold suggestion. Oddly, she did not question his intent. Instead, she wondered out loud what she should wear.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe some tamari?" Zetsu suggested.

Kyabetsu misunderstood. "You mean," she gasped, "I should capture the Kazekage's sister, skin her alive, and wear her skin? But the Kazekage will kill me!"

"Oh, you silly sausage," laughed Tobi. "He didn't say 'Temari', he said 'tamari', like the soy sauce, you know what it is?"

Kyabetsu blushed. The black side of Zetsu's face mumbled something incoherently.

"Yes, lemon juice is fine too," said the plant man. "Now. Meet me at midnight, same time, same place. And remember. Bring condiments."

"Slather yourself in them," hissed the black side of Zetsu's face. Tobi snorted with laughter.

Zetsu looked at the sun, and noticed it was beginning to go down. He turned to Tobi. "Come. We must return to headquarters. The boss doesn't like to be kept waiting."

"OK!" squeaked Tobi. He faded away into nothingness as he teleported back to the mysterious place. Zetsu began to burrow into the ground, flinging earth in all directions. He sank into the soil until only his plant-encased head was left.

"Don't forget what I told you," he said softly, and disappeared into the ground.

Kyabetsu returned to Konoha in throes of rapture. The handsome plant man was going to treat her for dinner!

But what would she tell Sasuke?

"Oh, sod him," she thought. "That pink-haired bitch can have him instead. He may have hair like the raven's wing and those deep cerulean eyes you could lose a puppy in, but he's too obsessed with killing his brother. I need a change."

Once again, the ANBU members failed to notice Kyabetsu as she returned to the village. As she passed through the gates, Gaara, the Kazekage – who was visiting the village along with his brother and sister - waved at her, and several passing villagers wolf-whistled. As she wandered through the streets, Shikamaru momentarily stopped snogging his girlfriend Temari, the Kazekage's sister, to call out, "Evening, Kyabetsu-chan!" As she stopped at the local corner shop for supplies, Naruto grinned at her and gave her the thumbs up from the ramen stall across the road. She ignored him. Choji, Shino, and Kankuro, the Kazekage's fat transvestite brother, were also sitting at the ramen stall, and she noticed all three of them were clearly checking her out.

It was so nice to be popular, at last.

Six or so hours later, Kyabetsu checked her watch. Twenty-three thirty. It was time to leave.

Sneaking into the kitchen, she searched the cupboards diligently, making not a sound, until she found what she was looking for. Two bottles, one containing tamari, the other containing lemon juice. She stuffed the bottles into her bag, and quickly headed to the gates. She couldn't remember the exact location of the meeting point, but she was sure she'd find it with her Byakugan.

Zetsu emerged slowly from the grass. He felt saliva build up inside his mouth, and hoped his date would not be late. He was going to enjoy this.

"_Byakugan!_"

Veins popped out in an unsightly manner on Kyabetsu's temples. Her vision shot like an arrow through the trees, over rocks and twigs and hollows, under branches...and there was the clearing, with a smiling Zetsu waiting for her.

Half an hour later, Zetsu tunnelled his way into the Akatsuki headquarters. He had two things on his monochromatic face: an expression of sheer joy, and bloodstains around his mouth. Hidan, the religious fundamentalist, was having his arm sewn back on by Kakuzu, his partner. They had had another fight, and Kakuzu had lost his temper and ripped Hidan's limbs off.

"I say, Zetsu, old bean," remarked Kisame Hoshigaki, the tall shark-man. "You look rather cheerful tonight, what."

"For the love of Jashin, wipe your fucking mouth, you leafy cunt," said Hidan rudely. "Your fucking face is covered in fucking blood. Again. Ugh."

Zetsu grinned, showing bloodstained teeth. "You should be used to me by now, Hidan."

Tobi popped up, seemingly from nowhere. "So how was your date, Zetsu-kun?"

Zetsu smiled knowingly, and patted his belly.

"She was...delicious."


End file.
